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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286629">am i a boy? do i really care?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykescore/pseuds/dykescore'>dykescore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Super Dangan Ronpa 2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Fuyuhiko, F/F, Feelings, Fluff, Fuyuhiko has ADHD, Fuyuhiko has Discalcula, Gender Exploration, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Island Mode (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, Nonbinary Kazuichi, Post-Canon, Pronoun Exploration, Sappho (fl. 600 BCE) Poetry, Side Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Side Mioda Ibuki/Pekoyama Peko, Suggestive Themes, The Tragedy of Hope's Peak Academy, autistic kazuichi, autistic scene kid ibuki, gay kazuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:41:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,603</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286629</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykescore/pseuds/dykescore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>fuyuhiko and kazuichi are complex beings. identity is difficult. thinking is difficult. everything is difficult, but it seems easier when they're together. <br/>this is a continuation of my previous kuzusouda fic, "be a man or be nothing at all." they can be read separately of course, but the first one has a little more context about how they got together if ur interested :D <br/>also five bucks to anyone who knows which song the title is from..</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko &amp; Soda Kazuichi, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Soda Kazuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. trembling hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>kazuichi had skipped breakfast.</p><p>it wasn't abnormal for him to do. he enjoyed eating with his friends, but he also had the tendency to get caught up in projects and lose track of time. regardless, fuyuhiko wanted to make sure kazuichi was eating enough, while still supporting his passions. he didn't have the healthiest habits, but fuyuhiko knew he was taking better care of himself than he had been. he just needed a little support. bagged sandwiches and cola counted as support, in this case.</p><p>the door to kazuichi's cottage was unlocked, per usual. the two of them lived in both cottages respectively, crashing wherever was closest. some of what was in either cottage was fuyuhiko's stuff, and some was kazuichi's. they ended up sharing most things, so it's not like it really mattered. kazuichi was in his cottage, which fuyuhiko knew for sure by the muffled sound of death grips coming through the door. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oi! kazu!" fuyuhiko shouted through the door.</p>
</blockquote><p>no reply. kazuichi probably couldn't hear him. fuyuhiko scoffed in exasperation, tucking the soda bottle under his arm to turn the knob. he nudged the door open with his hip.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kazu, i'm back-"</p>
  <p>AAAAAH!"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi yelped in surprise, dropping a little bottle he was holding.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"jesus, it's just me."</p>
  <p>"WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOCK?"</p>
  <p>"i called your name, dumbass. your music was too loud."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko gestured with the hand holding the sandwich bag to the music player. kazuichi pinked.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"sorry," he said sheepishly, switching the dial off.</p>
  <p>"i brought breakfast," said fuyuhiko, tossing the bag to kazuichi. </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi fumbled, but caught it. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"thanks. how'd you know i was hungry?"</p>
  <p>"i didn't, but i didn't want you to skip a meal," said fuyuhiko pointedly.</p>
  <p>"smart guy," said kazuichi, pulling a sandwich out of the bag.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko shrugged. it didn't have much to do with intelligence, he just <em>knew</em> kazuichi. speaking of which, he set down the cola near the side of the bed. he would've thrown it like the bag of sandwiches, but hadn't, for obvious reasons. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what are you doing in here, anyway? new project?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi averted his eyes.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"not exactly. i, uh... huh... where did it go...?"</p>
  <p>"where did what go?"</p>
  <p>"oh, it's nothing," assured kazuichi around a bite of bread.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko wasn't dumb.</p><p>okay, maybe a little bit lacking in self-awareness, but not dumb.</p><p>he spied a little pink vial near the edge of the rug. he walked over to it, picking it up and inadvertently getting nail polish all over his hands.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"fuck's sake," he groaned, realizing too late that the bottle had a huge crack in it.</p>
  <p>"i'm so sorry, here, let me clean that up."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi bounded over, towelling him off with a rag. he took his time, taking care to get all of the streaks of polish around fuyuhiko's fingernails.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you skipped breakfast to paint your nails?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi stopped.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kazu?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi sighed, turning away to throw the dirty cloth near the laundry hamper.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i... i was embarrassed. i didn't want anyone... you know, judging me or anything."</p>
  <p>"kazu, i'm never gonna judge you like that. you know that, right? did you really think i'd be embarrassed by you?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi thought for a moment.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"of course not. it's just... force of habit, i think."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko scoffed.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"are.... are you upset i didn't tell you?" kazuichi asked, voice quivering.</p>
  <p>"NO, fuck no. course' not."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko grabbed kazuichi's hand with his free one.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"if anything, i'm surprised you thought you could paint your own nails with these shaky ass hands of yours."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi laughed. they were, in fact, shaking.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"here, how about you eat and i paint your nails. sound good?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi's eyes softened.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you'd do that?"</p>
  <p>"of course i would, fool. besides, i got steady hands, i'm good at this stuff."</p>
  <p>"okay, mr. steady hands. do you think you could paint em' black too?"</p>
  <p>"sure. all black on one hand or...?"</p>
  <p>"ooh! how about alternating black and pink?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko smirked. he was especially cute when he was excited.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"sure, loverboy. now sit and eat, i'll do the hard part."</p>
  <p>"loverboy, huh?"</p>
  <p>"what? it's a new thing i'm trying out," sad fuyuhiko, sitting crosslegged in front of kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"i like it," kazuichi mused, licking a bit of jelly off his lip.</p>
  <p>"can i call you hiko?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko stiffened.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"is that okay?"</p>
  <p>"yea! yea, that's.... cool," he squeaked.</p>
  <p>"you sure?" asked kazuichi, tilting his head like a puppy.</p>
  <p>"yea. i like it. just... not used to petnames and shit like that."</p>
  <p>"well, get used to it, <em>hiko.</em> now, start painting, i want these to dry soon."</p>
  <p>"so demanding," grumbled fuyuhiko, a small grin betraying his mocking tone.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><hr/><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, they should be dry now."</p>
  <p>"YES. i love it. thank you, hiko."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi bounced on his heels, stooping down to kiss fuyuhiko on the cheek before dashing to the bathroom to get a better look at his newly-painted nails.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i feel... pretty."</p>
  <p>"you <em>are</em> pretty," fuyuhiko reminded him, leaning on the doorframe.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>he was. he hadn't known him before hope's peak, of course, but he was sure kazuichi got plenty of looks walking around. because he was a pretty boy, yes, but because he was so... self-expressed. most guys, because they were fucking cowards, fuyuhiko assumed, wouldn't dare walk around looking like kazuichi did. all sharp teeth and pink hair and chartreuse jumpsuit and pretty face. he looked good. not that that unique combination of colors would look flattering on anyone else. but it worked for him because that was who he was and he expressed it outwardly.</p><p>kazuichi had told him of the beatings that'd ensued at the hands of his father when he first dyed his hair, or blew his lunch money on colored contacts. even when it put him in danger, he did everything he could to express who he was. there was something noble about it. something strong and proud that fuyuhiko couldn't really explain.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, what do you think?" said kazuichi, fluttering his fingers.</p>
  <p>"you're beautiful," said fuyuhiko, his mouth moving faster than his mind.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi's eyes got wide.</p><p>fuyuhiko made a strangled noise in his throat, not knowing what to do.</p><p>
  <em>FUCK ??/? WHAT THE FUCK SHIT HOOOOOOOOOOOOO-</em>
</p><p>he rushed forward, reaching up on his tiptoes. he placed his hands on kazuichi's neck and face, kissing him gently, possibly nervously.</p><p>kazuichi pulled away, eyes shining with joy and confusion.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"wha... the hell was that for?"</p>
  <p>"dunno. felt like it."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi leaned in, tucking his face into the curve of fuyuhiko's neck and wrapping his arms around his middle.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"did you mean it? calling me beautiful, i mean."</p>
  <p>"yes. you're beautiful. i think it all the time, but... it feels scary to say. it's scary to be... y'know.... vulnerable, i guess."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi kissed his jaw, sighing.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i know. and you don't need to say it, or anything. but it's nice to hear."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko breathed deeply, relaxing his shoulders.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"it sounds kinda stupid after you already said somethin' nice about me, but... you're beautiful, too, hiko. more than me. more than... like.... most people."</p>
  <p>"hey, i'm nowhere near as beautiful as you," said fuyuhiko firmly, pulling back to look kazuichi in the eyes.</p>
  <p>"you're a lot braver than i am, loverboy."</p>
  <p>"shut up," chuckled kazuichi, kissing him again.</p>
</blockquote><p>they stood there for a while, leaning against the sink, just holding each other like they'd never see each other again.</p><p>they would, of course. but living like they did, it seemed impossible to be sure of such things.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"that's the lunch bell," said fuyuhiko after a bit, taking note of the sudden chime from the monitor in the main room.</p>
</blockquote><p>he massaged kazuichi's scalp with his nails.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"cmon,' kazu. let's go eat."</p>
  <p>"alright," replied kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"i'm excited to show off my new nails."</p>
  <p>"good," said fuyuhiko, proud of his work.</p>
  <p>"now, enough talkin,' we have to get there before akane takes all the good stuff."</p>
  <p>"you're right."</p>
  <p>"always am," said fuyuhiko, puffing out his chest.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi rolled his eyes fondly. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. truth or dare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>gundham was unnecessarily excited about kazuichi's nails.</p>
<p>fuyuhiko watched with amusement as gundham grabbed kazuichi's hand, nodding approvingly.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"these marks have most definitely been cast by a most careful hand. i, tanaka gundham, was ignorant of your skill, and for this, i shall atone."</p>
</blockquote><p>gundham's own nails were painted dark purple, with little gold bits that glittered in the light.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"p-please, no way i coulda made them look that nice. fuyuhiko's the one you wanna talk to."</p>
  <p>"young fuyuhiko!" called gundham from across the room. </p>
  <p>"your skill is paramount! you have my greatest appreciation. perhaps i shall inquire about your technique at a later time..."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko snorted.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"sure, i'll give you some tips, but i'm no expert or anything. my sister taught me everything i know."</p>
  <p>"wonderful!" gundham grinned, seemingly oblivious to one of his hamsters (was it Jum-P?) nibbling at his earlobe.</p>
</blockquote><p>somehow slipping out of gundham's grasp, kazuichi went over to sit with fuyuhiko, smiling brightly.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"glad to see you're in good spirits, kazuichi," said hajime, passing by their table.</p>
  <p>"i'm sure gundham already told you this, but your nails look cool."</p>
  <p>"thanks, hajime!" said kazuichi, showing off his pointed teeth.</p>
  <p>"nagito thinks so too. he says that-"</p>
  <p>"don't tell me," fuyuhiko interrupted.</p>
  <p>"okay, i'm guessing he said something about how the colors 'inspire hope' or some shit like that."</p>
  <p>"I HEARD THAT," yelled nagito from across the room.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi cackled.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yes, he did," hajime whispered, before rushing back to sit with nagito.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko snorted, munching on a french fry.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, gimme one."</p>
  <p>"NO, you have your own."</p>
  <p>"but i ate all of them," kazuichi pouted.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko rolled his eyes, holding out a single french fry.</p>
<p>kazuichi bit it out of his hand.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"YOU FUCKER!"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi giggled, practically choking on the bits of potato.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yeah, that's what you get, you thief."</p>
  <p>"we get it, you're in love or whatever," shouted hiyoko. "but can you <em>please</em> be quiet? or else i'll put spiders in your bed."</p>
  <p>"hiyoko!" said mahiru, smacking her lightly on the arm.</p>
  <p>"what?! i'm just trying to have a peaceful lunch and THOSE TWO are ruining it."</p>
  <p>"kazuichi, did you hear something?" asked fuyuhiko, purposefully ignoring hiyoko's words.</p>
  <p>"hmm? no, i didn't hear anything. why do you ask?"</p>
  <p>"YOU'RE WORSE THAN NAGITO AND HAJIME," said hiyoko, standing up in her chair.</p>
  <p>"i resent that," said fuyuhiko, taking a sip of his club soda.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi sighed, leaning back in his chair and looking at fuyuhiko out of the corner of his eye.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>the day had gotten progressively hotter after lunchtime, and even though the ac was cranked up in fuyuhiko's cottage (the unit in kazuichi's was busted and he was still fixing it), they were both miserably hot.</p>
<p>kazuichi was splayed out across the floor, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead. neither of them were wearing shirts, but it didn't seem to be helping much. fuyuhiko was laying on the bed, on top of the sheets, trying to read but constantly getting distracted. he had always been shitty at focusing on one task at a time, but he'd usually be able to move around and get out some energy. it was too hot to move much, though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>fuyuhiko groaned, throwing his book off the bed.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you okay?" said kazuichi, voice strained from breathing hard.</p>
  <p>"yea. just bored as fuck, but it's too hot to do anything or go anywhere."</p>
  <p>"yea."</p>
</blockquote><p>there was silence for a while, the grumble of the ac seeming louder than before.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"wanna play truth or dare?"</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"i mean, you said you were bored."</p>
  <p>"yea, sure, okay. but the dares can't be anything that involve me moving or doing anything."</p>
  <p>"where's the fun in that?"</p>
  <p>"kazuichi, i'm fucking HOT."</p>
  <p>"OKAY, fine, fine. just truth, then."</p>
  <p>"truth or truth?"</p>
  <p>"yea."</p>
  <p>"pfft. okay. you go first."</p>
  <p>"why me?"</p>
  <p>"it was your idea, loser."</p>
  <p>"YOU'RE THE LOSER. but, yea, okay, fine."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're sure takin' your sweet time..."</p>
  <p>"i'm thinking!!!"</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, got it."</p>
  <p>"shoot."</p>
  <p>"who was your first kiss?" kazuichi asked.</p>
  <p>"really?"</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"dunno. thought you would go for something more... probing."</p>
  <p>"i can't think right now, bear with me."</p>
  <p>"okay, fine. i don't really remember his name, but it was some boy who worked at the convenience store near my place. we kissed in the storage room."</p>
  <p>"wow, romantic. what was he like?"</p>
  <p>"ugh. dumb, heterosexual, need i say more?"</p>
  <p>"that sucks. i'm sorry, hiko."</p>
  <p>"nah, s'okay. he must've gotten a new job or something, because i never saw him again."</p>
  <p>"did you want to? see him again, i mean."</p>
  <p>"not really. it's my turn, right?"</p>
  <p>"yea," replied kazuichi, cracking his knuckles absentmindedly. </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko thought for a couple beats.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you ever broken the law?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi laughed.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"the yakuza boss is asking little ol me that?"</p>
  <p>"yes, now answer the question or i'll bite you."</p>
  <p>"yessir. okay, where to start..."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was shocked to say the least.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"... arson once or twice, graffiti, weed possession, and selling food without a license."</p>
  <p>"jesus christ, kazuichi. was this while you were at hope's peak?"</p>
  <p>"some of it, yea."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko whistled out.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"didn't peg you to be the rebellious type," he said sarcastically.</p>
  <p>"yea, yea, whatever, it's my turn now. you ever wished you were someone else?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko scoffed, crossing his arms behind his head.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"course.' maybe more than most people."</p>
  <p>"did you wish to be anyone in particular?"</p>
  <p>"nah. you?"</p>
  <p>"yea, sometimes. i couldn't talk about it at home, but i always liked hello kitty. she was really cute and happy, and she was always around people who loved her."</p>
  <p>"you wanted to be hello kitty?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi giggled.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kind of. more like i wanted what she had."</p>
  <p>"that makes sense."</p>
  <p>"yea. oh, it's your turn again."</p>
  <p>"right... what's your worst fear?"</p>
  <p>"what a topic change..."</p>
  <p>"i can ask something else if you want."</p>
  <p>"no, it's okay.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i think... that my worst fear would be losing y.... this. this life. like... going back to who i was before neo world."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko's breath hitched, because he knew exactly what kazuichi was talking about. he felt that fear every day. they all did. it was written into who they were. they couldn't ignore or erase it, no matter how badly they wanted to. and surely they wanted to.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"me too," said fuyuhiko, voice soft.</p>
</blockquote><p>it was clear neither of them wanted to talk about it anymore.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"my turn, right?" asked kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"yea, go ahead," said fuyuhiko, mind elsewhere.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>...</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"have... have you ever wondered if you're what a man is supposed to be?"</p>
</blockquote><p>suddenly, fuyuhiko's mind was on the present.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"like... if you're really what everyone thinks you are, you know?"</p>
  <p>"yea, a lot, actually. it's like certain things make you a man if you do them, and other things undermine being a man if you don't."</p>
  <p>"yea. for me... sometimes i wonder... ahh, never mind."</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"it's... it's kind of hard to describe. i think i want to talk about it, but i'm not good with wording it."</p>
  <p>"that's okay. take your time, kazu."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i wonder sometimes... actually, a lot... if i'm really a man at all."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko sat up, wanting to look at kazuichi.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"wanna talk about it?"</p>
  <p>"yea... yea, i do."</p>
  <p>"i've got nowhere to be but here, baby, say what you need to," said fuyuhiko, as if sensing kazuichi's nervousness.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"for a while, i thought it was just my old man getting to me. telling me in my head to not be feminine, or anything like that."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi sat up, pulling his knees to his chest and rocking back on his heels.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"but i really think that i don't feel so much like a guy, really. i don't feel like a girl, either. i mean... i think i don't. i've never really tried being a girl before, though."</p>
</blockquote><p>he looked over at fuyuhiko, who dipped his head, telling him to continue.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i'm cool with being called a guy, i guess, but it feels kind of incomplete. i'm fine with how i look and stuff, and with people calling me he, but... i dunno. it's like i'm reaching in the dark for something, but i don't know what it is."</p>
</blockquote><p>there was a long pause.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i think i'm, like... nonbinary. not a boy or a girl, i guess. i don't want to change what i like about myself, or anything, but there's just this part of me that feels like it's screaming for me to pay attention to it."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko kicked his heels into the side of the mattress.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"do you want to try something out with me? to see how it feels?"</p>
  <p>"really? would that be okay?"</p>
  <p>"of course, kazu. whatever you need, i'll try to help you with."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi's smile was so wide, and his eyes twitched with unshed tears. he wasn't wearing his colored contacts, so his irises were dark brown. it made him look a lot younger.</p>
<p>he wrapped fuyuhiko in a hug, which was clammy and sticky, but welcome nonetheless.</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i love you, hiko."</p>
  <p>"love you, too, kazu. now, what did you want me to call you?"</p>
  <p>"you can still call me he, and i think i'm keeping my name, but, could you use neutral pronouns for me? just between us?"</p>
  <p>"like they/them?"</p>
  <p>"yea, i like the sound of that."</p>
  <p>"of course, baby. but first, please take a shower, you stink."</p>
  <p>"not too hot yourself, hiko," kazuichi shot back, but they were smiling and shaking their head as they walked barefoot to the bathroom.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>somehow, it didn't seem as oppressively hot as it had earlier. </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. little prince</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the sand was warm beneath fuyuhiko's feet as he lay sprawled on a beach chair.</p><p>everyone was out at the beach, per usami's announcement earlier that morning. it wasn't yet noon, but the day was hot. the sounds of waves and his friends laughing and splashing around in the water were welcoming. he didn't care much for swimming, but he liked the beach fine. he respected the ocean. it was nature, after all, which meant it could be dangerous. but it was beautiful all the same. </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you look like a little cat," came an amused voice.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko opened his eyes, blinking hard against the sudden bright light.</p><p>kazuichi, shirtless and in swimming trunks, offered him a popsicle. fuyuhiko sat up, rubbing his eyes and accepting the popsicle.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"thanks, kazu."</p>
  <p>"no problem, blondie, now move over."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi had taken to the new petname since fuyuhiko had given them the <em>okay</em> to start calling him hiko. if it were anyone else, he would've been red in the face. but it was kazuichi, and that made all the difference. besides, it was cute. for a nickname, at least.</p><p>fuyuhiko scooted over on the chair so kazuichi could sit next to him.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what kind is this?"</p>
  <p>"strawberry lemonade. no milk, of course."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko smiled. </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're a peach, kazu."</p>
  <p>"hmm, i think i'm closer to a raspberry," he said, dragging his hands through his pink mop. "but i appreciate the compliment."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko kissed the side of their mouth, which tasted like fruit.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you bitch, you had one without me?!"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi held up their hands in surrender.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i just had one bite of nagito's!! scout's honor!"</p>
  <p>"UGH, so you're telling me i indirectly kissed <em>komaeda? </em>fucking gross. that's biological warfare, you know."</p>
  <p>"so dramatic," said kazuichi, shaking his head. </p>
  <p>"now eat, loser."</p>
  <p>"fineeee," replied fuyuhiko, looking out at the sea where nekomaru was launching akane into the surf.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi put his free arm around fuyuhiko's shoulders, resting his head on fuyuhiko's arm.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, hiko."</p>
  <p>"yea?"</p>
  <p>"you ever read that book <em>the little prince?"</em></p>
  <p>"the french one?"</p>
  <p>"mhmm."</p>
  <p>"heard of it, never read it."</p>
  <p>"i was just thinking, you're kind of like him."</p>
  <p>"the little prince?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi grinned, putting the whole popsicle in their mouth as they dug around in the bag they had brought from the cottage. fuyuhiko grabbed the popsicle out of their mouth, not wanting them to choke.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i grabbed it from the library thinking of you," they said, waving the little book around.</p>
  <p>"it's so short. i'll probably finish it in like ten minutes."</p>
  <p>"i forget you read fast."</p>
  <p>"it's a blessing and a curse," said fuyuhiko thoughtfully, nibbling on his popsicle.</p>
  <p>"how about i read it to you?" asked kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"really?"</p>
  <p>"why not? we've got time."</p>
</blockquote><p>he was right. since they'd packed lunch, they'd be at the beach for a couple more hours. plenty of time to finish that pamphlet of a book.</p><p>kazuichi flipped to the first page with his free hand, dripping popsicle onto the page. fuyuhiko cringed. he supposed it didn't matter, there were at least two copies of each book in the library for some reason, but he was kind of an elitist when it came to caring for books.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"relax," said kazuichi, who must've noticed the weird look on his face.</p>
  <p>"let professor souda teach you something."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko leaned back, taking another bite of popsicle as kazuichi started reading aloud. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"once, when i was six, i saw a magnificent picture in a book about the jungle..."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<hr/>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"... then if a child comes to you, if he laughs, if he has golden hair, if he doesn't answer your questions, you'll know who he is. if this should happen, be kind. don't let me go on being so sad. send word immediately that he's come back."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi was smiling as he read the last lines. his smile faltered as he looked over at fuyuhiko.</p><p>fuyuhiko was crying.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko? are you okay?"</p>
  <p>"what the fuck kind of ending is that? so he's... he's dead? and that's it?"</p>
  <p>"well, it's up for interpretation. some people think so, others don't, you know?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko tried to stop the tears, but they wouldn't cease. kazuichi let the book fall closed, pulling fuyuhiko into their arms. fuyuhiko wasn't a loud crier. he cried softly. softly, as kazuichi held him and ran their hands through his cropped hair, rubbing circles along his head. his chest heaved, and if he were able to think straight, he probably would've been embarrassed. but his thoughts were all muddled.</p><p> </p><p>the tears subsided after a while. fuyuhiko wished he could've said with honesty they had gone away on their own, but kazuichi rubbing his back had really helped. even so, he let himself be held by kazuichi. it felt nice. kazuichi must'e noticed that he wasn't crying anymore, because he mumbled something into fuyuhiko's hair.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"i said 'you're my little prince.'"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was without words. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you... bastard. can't just say shit like that without warning. i'll start crying again, and then i'll be mad."</p>
  <p>"okay, blondie. no more sappy stuff."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko chewed on his popsicle stick.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i'm sorry i made you cry," said kazuichi, definitely serious.</p>
  <p>"it's not your fault, it just... hit really close."</p>
  <p>"i know, but i'm the one who brought it up. i thought you would like it, i'll be more careful next time."</p>
  <p>"i did like it. it made me sad, and that's why i liked it."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi tilted his head in that way he did. </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you know i don't... i'm not a real <em>feely</em> kind of person. sometimes it's nice to have someone else do the work of feeling shit first, so i can just feel it secondhand."</p>
  <p>"i understand. well, i'm glad you liked it. even thought it made you cry."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko laughed softly. kazuichi was such... a carer. they cared a lot. it wasn't what fuyuhiko was used to. like, at all. it was different, but it was nice. welcome.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i still think that ending was bullshit, though."</p>
  <p>"i think that's kinda the point. you don't know what happened, but no matter what you think might have happened, you still feel really strongly about it."</p>
  <p>"i'm gonna sound like fucking komaeda, but... it's like you either feel hope, that the prince survived, and that he's with his rose, or despair, that he's dead, and died alone, without seeing the world or the one he loved."</p>
  <p>"poetic. what do you think happened?"</p>
  <p>"i'm trying to figure that out. what do you think?"</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>kazuichi stretched, making his shoulders pop.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i don't think i really believe either ending."</p>
  <p>"really? what do you mean?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi dragged their thumb across the pages repeatedly, pleased at the sound it made.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i think he went back home, but i think the rose probably died in the time he was gone. there's hope, because he lived and returned to his comet, but there's also despair, because what he really went home for is gone, and he's alone."</p>
</blockquote><p>neither of them spoke. the sky had gone overcast in the time they'd been at the beach. maybe it would rain.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i think you're right," said fuyuhiko with finality. he looked over at kazuichi fondly.</p>
  <p>"you're a lot more clever than you give yourself credit for, kazu."</p>
  <p>"i dunno about that, i just... think a lot. it's not on purpose, it just happens."</p>
  <p>"that's <em>why</em>, you big baby. people who have to try to be smart aren't really smart at all. you're smart naturally, because it happens without you meaning it to."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi leaned their chin on their hand, staring at him longingly.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're pretty poetic, hiko."</p>
  <p>"wait, wait, wait, you're not gonna butter me up before telling me how i'm the little prince."</p>
  <p>"well, i know there's still a lot i don't know about you-"</p>
</blockquote><p>
  <em>ouch. </em>
</p><p>he was right, but it was still painful to be reminded of. he needed to be more open with kazuichi. he was working on it, and yet...</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"-but i think it's like this. the comet he lives on, what's it called again-"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi flipped back through the book, struggling to remember.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"ah, asteroid B-612. so, the kuzuryuu clan is the comet. and the rose is your family."</p>
</blockquote><p>they were spot-on so far.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i guess hope's peak is the flock of seagulls. and the people on all the other little planets are... well, us, your classmates. i don't know which one i would be, though."</p>
  <p>"the lamplighter," said fuyuhiko without hesitation.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi smiled, blushing.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"anyway, i guess the desert on earth would be..."</p>
</blockquote><p>he trailed off, but fuyuhiko knew what he was alluding to.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"then who's the snake in the desert? and the fox?" asked fuyuhiko.</p>
  <p>"hmm. i think the fox is probably peko."</p>
</blockquote><p>true.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"and the snake is definitely monokuma."</p>
  <p>"no."</p>
  <p>"hmm?"</p>
  <p>"the snake is junko."</p>
</blockquote><p>there was another silence. kazuichi swallowed a lump in their throat.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"right."</p>
  <p>"so, who's the pilot?"</p>
  <p>"i'm not sure. i can't think of anyone."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko chewed on the popsicle stick, only realizing he had bitten it to splinters when one of them stabbed him in the lip.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"fuck, goddammit."</p>
  <p>"are you- shit, you're bleeding."</p>
  <p>"it's fine. it's just a splinter, i'll deal with it."</p>
  <p>"let me."</p>
  <p>"it's fine-"</p>
  <p>"fuyuhiko, please"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi's voice was no-nonsense.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"fine. go ahead."</p>
</blockquote><p>carefully, kazuichi pulled the little piece of wood out of fuyuhiko's lip. the end was covered in his blood.</p><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko wiped his lip with the back of his hand, leaving a streak of blood across his knuckles.</p><p>he thought for a moment.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"my sister."</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"the pilot. it's my sister."</p>
  <p>"oh."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko didn't talk about natsumi very much. he didn't like to think about her. not that he didn't miss her, but because he did. aside from peko, she was the person he had been closest with all his life. she taught him how to paint nails and helped him load a gun and sharpen a blade until you could see your reflection in it. she was stronger than he was, always had been. she should've been the one to succeed the kuzuryuu clan. she was braver, she could kill and it wouldn't faze her. how ironic for her to be the pilot when it seemed that she had met the prince's end.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what was she like?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko wasn't anticipating that question. even with kazuichi, he should've been annoyed and defensive. </p><p>but the words seemed to come to him easily.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"she looked a lot like me. you might've met her in passing because she was in the reserve course, like hajime. she could be a bitch, i would know, she was meaner to me than anyone. but she only got mean about what she cared about. i guess that means she cared about me, in her own way. she was charming, and pretty. she had a way of getting what she wanted. maybe because she was pretty, or scary. or both. my family's always said that she was my uncle born again. they called him the strongest kuzuryuu in history. i won't bullshit you and say it wasn't hurtful, because it fucking was. but they were right. she was more deserving of being the heir than me. she had a big mouth and an attitude, but she was smart, and pretty ruthless. but she also cared a lot. she'd kill me if she were alive right now to hear me say that, but it's true. the only reason she didn't accept the position as the heir was because of me. because she knew she was better suited for it than me, but she loved me. she made sacrifices so i could succeed. i won't forget that, not as long as i'm alive."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was out of breath.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"she sounds like the pilot, all right," said kazuichi.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko smiled sadly.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea."</p>
  <p>"so... is that enough to convince you that you're the little prince?"</p>
  <p>"yea. i believe you now."</p>
  <p>"good," said kazuichi, linking their fingers together.</p>
  <p>"you look tired, hiko. let's go back and take a nap."</p>
</blockquote><p>a nap sounded good.</p><p> </p><p>it started to rain. a light patter at first, but then a battering gale. their classmates fumbled to collect their towels and dash, soaking wet, out of the frothing surf.</p><p>fuyuhiko and kazuichi packed up quickly, running hand in hand as fast as they could away from the beach, through the tunnel and the diner parking lot, down the road, across the bridge, and back to the hotel. though fuyuhiko could barely breathe, for the first time he could remember, it was as if a weight had disappeared from off his chest. the rain was cool, and in truth, it was a welcome thing. he closed his eyes against the cool droplets, trusting kazuichi's hand in his to bring him back home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. secret keeper</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the library was fuyuhiko's safe space.</p><p>the rest of his classmates didn't come in there very often, if at all, with sonia being the exception. even so, fuyuhiko didn't mind her being there much. she would usually just wave hello and continue perusing the shelves. she wasn't in there today, though, which left fuyuhiko alone.</p><p>he usually preferred it like this. he was no good at keeping himself focused when there were other people around. they always distracted him one way or another.</p><p>he was particularly irritable today. he'd forgotten to wear his eyepatch at breakfast, and everyone had looked at him funny. kazuichi's backrubs helped. they always seemed to know innately how to help fuyuhiko calm down. but he couldn't shake this sticky, weighty feeling that'd sat itself on his stomach. it came around on occasion. without warning. it hurt like grieving, yet there was nothing to grieve.</p><p>that wasn't true. there was so much to grieve.</p><p> </p><p>yet, it wasn't the ills he had committed that made his stomach turn. it was something nameless and formless. it had no mouth nor face, yet its voice sang sweetly, crooning in his ear. it told him he was missing something. something he needed to do, or find, or make. he'd whip himself into a frenzy, unable to stand in one spot without bouncing his legs. </p><p>he'd mulled over talking to kazuichi about it. he knew they'd be sweet to him about it, they always were.</p><p>but this thing sat in his gut and pulled at his skin until he swore he could feel it rip from his frame. how could he explain that to him?</p><p>he sat crosslegged on the floor, flipping through a thick volume. the spine read DSM-V. he read fast, chewing the inside of his cheek as he turned the pages.</p><p><em>Diagnostic Criteria for ADHD,</em> read the tagline.</p><p>fuyuhiko ticked off the boxes as he went down the page. he thought he'd feel relief in the confirmation, but he felt the coldness in his stomach grow colder still.</p><p>he remembered the psych expert telling his family that he had it. he remembered their acknowledgment of the diagnosis, and of how they had never spoken about it again. it didn't matter to them how he performed in school, hell, they didn't even care if he came to class. being an ultimate, it didn't make much difference to hope's peak anyway. he was committed enough to his family that they hadn't seen it as something worthy of further discussion. </p><p>and he knew better than to broach such a topic with his parents. he'd mentioned it to natsumi in passing, but she seemed as resigned as they were. </p><p> </p><p>they hadn't asked him about the pit in his stomach or how it made him feel like he'd been shot through with an adrenaline shot. they didn't ask, so he didn't tell.</p><p>even now, in his comfort space, he bounced his knee, like, four times a second.</p><p>complete with his reading of the section on ADHD, he continued flipping through, until he reached the section about learning disabilities.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, hiko."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko jumped, cheeks flushed. kazuichi's eyes were kind, and... pink? he must've put his contacts back in at some point.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><em>"</em>ooh, the mental illness book. what's the occasion?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko sighed. now was as good a time as ever. he flipped back to the section on adhd and handed it to kazuichi, who was crouching next to him.</p><p>kazuichi read for a minute.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"makes sense. you just figuring this out?"</p>
  <p>"nah. my folks took me to a specialist a while back and they diagnosed me. they told me i had something else too. dis-calta-something..."</p>
  <p>"dyscalculia?"</p>
  <p>"yea. that's it."</p>
  <p>"ahh, that's why it was taking you so long to grab me those 9.78 bolts."</p>
  <p>"yea."</p>
  <p>"so... just reading back over it, then? since you knew before, and all."</p>
  <p>"something like that."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi set down the book and pulled fuyuhiko into a hug. his head fell into their lap.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"little baby," kazuichi cooed, lovingly stroking fuyuhiko's head.</p>
  <p>"just having a bad day. wanted some confirmation."</p>
  <p>"i get the feeling. anything you need from me?"</p>
  <p>"just... stay. please."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi leaned down to kiss him once. he smelled like car oil. not that fuyuhiko minded.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you've got me, hiko. promise."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"...kazuichi?"</p>
  <p>"mhmm?" kazuichi replied, tracing the shaved lines in fuyuhiko's hair absentmindedly.</p>
  <p>"i didn't mean to... not tell you about it or anything. i don't want you to think i'm an asshole or anything."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi snorted, ruffling fuyuhiko's short buzz.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"it's a little late for that, stupid. and anyway, it's for you to tell or not tell, you know?"</p>
  <p>"i guess with the rest of them, but, like... it's different with you. i need to tell you shit."</p>
  <p>"i like it when you tell me what you're feeling, but i don't like you any less when you don't. it's hard to be open at all, let alone all the time."</p>
  <p>"that's... yea, that's fair. but... i wanna tell you things. about me. and my family. it's just... so fucking hard."</p>
  <p>"i know what you mean," kazuichi replied. </p>
  <p>"i don't even know where to start. it's all so much in my head."</p>
  <p>"do you want to do what we did before?"</p>
  <p>"what? truth or truth?" fuyuhiko smiled without meaning to as he said it.</p>
  <p>"yea!" kazuichi replied, linking their fingers together and swinging their arms slowly.</p>
  <p>"okay, shoot."</p>
  <p>"wait, wait, wait, we need some kind of safeword."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko choked a little bit.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"safeword?!"</p>
  <p>"you know what i mean, something that says 'hey, that's a boundary line.'"</p>
  <p>"why don't we just say that?"</p>
  <p>"<em>because</em> it's more efficient this way."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko didn't really see the point.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, fine. safeword. you pick."</p>
  <p>"sure. how about... shortstack?"</p>
  <p>
    <em>"souda kazuichi, i am not above murder-"</em>
  </p>
  <p>"YOU TOLD ME TO PICK!"</p>
  <p>"i- you know what, yes, fine. use that, whatever, i don't care."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi rolled his eyes, rubbing fuyuhiko's knuckles with his thumb.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, first question. what are your parent's names?"</p>
  <p>"noriko and suzume."</p>
  <p>"huh... those are feminine names, right?"</p>
  <p>"yea."</p>
  <p>"oh."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"WAIT."</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"do you have two moms?"</p>
  <p>"oh, yea. what about it?"</p>
  <p>"YOU NEVER TOLD ME?"</p>
  <p>"I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS OKAY THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU SHIT."</p>
  <p>"YEA, BUT THAT SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT!"</p>
  <p>"NOT MY FAULT YOU THOUGHT I HAD A NUCLEAR FAMILY!"</p>
  <p>"YOU KNOW WHAT.... never mind, you're right. i'm just surprised is all."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko scoffed, smirking.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"but were the other yakuzas cool with a woman leading your clan? a gay one, at that."</p>
  <p>"noriko is the leader. and she's earned her place at the table, make no mistake. she wouldn't take kindly to anyone discussing her sexuality at all, god forbid they talk shit."</p>
  <p>"what about your other mom? suzume, right?"</p>
  <p>"yea. she's not a yakuza or anything like that, but she loved my mom enough to accept her lifestyle as one... she did once, anyway."</p>
  <p>"once?"</p>
  <p>"they weren't exactly a happy couple. they tried to kill each other every fucking week. hell, almost killed me."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi went quiet.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"anyway, suzume married into the clan by choice."</p>
  <p>"was her family upset when they found out?"</p>
  <p>"nah. they're all dead or pretend she never existed, so there's not really much chance of that."</p>
  <p>"oh, got it."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"are we gonna move on to more questions or are you just gonna keep grilling me about my lesbian moms?"</p>
  <p>"SORRY, yes, i'll ask something else. um... why do you hate milk so much?"</p>
  <p>"i'm lactose intolerant."</p>
  <p>"that was a simple answer."</p>
  <p>"did you want something more dramatic?"</p>
  <p>"not really, i was just kind of expecting some dramatic backstory about being kidnapped and held in a milk bottling plant or something."</p>
  <p>"sorry to disappoint," said fuyuhiko, pinching kazuichi's thigh.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"OUCH, YOU LITTLE FUCKER," kazuichi grumbled, pinching him back.</p>
  <p>"oi," said fuyuhiko, making his thumb and index fingers like crab claws. "don't mess with me, souda. you know i'm not merciful."</p>
  <p>"fine, fine, i concede... for now."</p>
  <p>"you know, i actually did get kidnapped once."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi shook their head, incredulous.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i'm serious!"</p>
  <p>"well, don't just leave me hanging, tell me about it."</p>
  <p>"some street punks, not even yakuza, kidnapped me and peko when we were kids. for a ransom, obviously. they had us tied up in the back of this butcher shop, smelled like death. they must've been shitty at tying knots, though, because the ropes were pretty easy to slip off. me and peko went out the back and ran as fast as we could. but it was dark as fuck, and we were really far from home. we ended up halfway up some mountain. we were so fucking lost, it's insane how my guys ever found us. i cried like a fucking baby because i was so scared, and peko tried to calm me down but she was scared too. we both started crying alone on this freezing mountain at fuck o' clock at night. peko was protecting me the whole time, swinging her sword at anything that moved. she almost took one of my guys' heads off when they finally came and got us."</p>
  <p>"jesus. she's always been takin' care of you, huh?"</p>
  <p>"yea. she's basically my second sister. not that natsumi was super 'sisterly.' it's like... she had my back when it counted, and peko had my back always."</p>
  <p>"i see why she's so special to you."</p>
  <p>"i feel like i rely on her too much. even now. she confessed all this shit to me, and i'm still the one leaning on her for support. it's pathetic."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, of course it's not. you can't live your whole life alone without help from anyone."</p>
  <p>"i know, i know, i just wish i didn't need to be in anyone's debt, you know?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi shifted from a sitting position so that they were laying down, fuyuhiko's head on their stomach.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i dunno. i'm in your debt in more ways than i can count, and i don't mind."</p>
  <p>"yea, well.."</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"that's different. you're... you."</p>
  <p>"and you like that, right?"</p>
  <p>"don't act like you don't know, you dick."</p>
</blockquote><p>...</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"besides, i don't <em>like</em> you... i love you... you know?"</p>
</blockquote><p>it wasn't the first time he'd said it aloud to kazuichi, but the words always felt heavy on his tongue.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i love you too, kuzuryuu fuyuhiko."</p>
  <p>"what'd you used my full name for?"</p>
  <p>"dunno. just felt official."</p>
  <p>"what, like we're married or somethin?'"</p>
  <p>"H-HEY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID-"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko giggled, and he felt like he before he learned not to cry, even if he was sad.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you get flustered so easy, it's hilarious."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi ruffled up his hair, kissing the top of his head.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea, well, i'm glad i can make you laugh."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko reached up to brush a lock of hair out of his eyes.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"me too."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. killer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>fuyuhiko didn't dream.</p><p>used to, but not anymore.</p><p>somehow, the trauma he'd experienced at home seemed to impact his rem cycle more than what he was currently struggling with. his sleep was free of nightmares, and dreams in general. kazuichi was the opposite.</p><p>he'd wail in his sleep like a wounded animal, or whimper like a child.</p><p>it hurt fuyuhiko's heart to see them like that. it had gotten better since he'd moved in with them, but kazuichi would still twitch and breathe heavy in sleep. initiating physical affection was a learning curve for fuyuhiko, but it was getting easier, little by little. he was a very light sleeper, so a tremble or a squeak from kazuichi would wake him easily. every time, though, he'd turn kazuichi over and curl up under his chin, wrapping his arms around him so their chests were flush. it always seemed to put kazuichi's subconscious mind to rest. </p><p> </p><p>one night, though, fuyuhiko dreamt. it was fuzzy at first, tasted like static. he stood in a cavern so tall he couldn't make out the ceiling, if there was one. he stood knee-deep in dark water, and his legs felt... heavy. he tried to walk forward, but it was as if the press of the water on his skin held him in place. the pool was still, as if it were frozen. the water was cold, sure, but it definitely wasn't iced over.</p><p>the fact that he was dreaming scared him more than anything. what changed? what memory resurfaced that he'd tried to bury?</p><p>he felt a sudden weight in his right hand. he looked down, and in his grip was a sword. it was a lot like peko's. why was he holding a sword?</p><p>he blinked, and that moment was like something from a woodblock painting. a dragon appeared before him. all serpent body and thick mane and scaled hide. its gaze was intelligent, if not judgemental. it looked at the sword in his hand quizzically, tail flicking across its back. was he meant to kill it? it didn't seem particularly interested in him, but it didn't take his eyes from him for a moment. finding that he was able to move, fuyuhiko circled it reluctantly, holding out his sword. </p><p>the creature seemed unimpressed, lowering itself to the ground and settling its massive head on its paws. it was still staring at fuyuhiko, which was incredibly unnerving. his hands shook around the sword. fuck, how did peko do this?</p><p> </p><p>the dragon made no move to attack him as he approached, sighing through its nose. he had to kill it, didn't he? why wasn't it fighting back? his hands shook like a leaf as he he held his sword over its thick neck. would it even pierce the skin? sweat slid down fuyuhiko's jaw. he took a shuddering breath, bile rising in his throat. he raised his arms, and brought the sword down.</p><p>it ripped like paper.</p><p>the pieces of the blade slid down the dragon's body, warping as they hit the water. fuyuhiko stared in shock at the broken hilt. the dragon stood, stretching its long body like a cat. it took slow steps toward fuyuhiko, its eyes level with his. fuyuhiko tried to run, but found himself unable to move once again. his heartrate quickened, breathing ragged. he dropped the broken hilt and threw his arms up to shield himself, screwing his eyes shut tight and bracing himself for the sensation of being swallowed up. </p><p>he opened his eyes. the dragon's head was so close to him he could feel its hot breath on his face. he lowered his arms slowly, trembling. he tried to speak, but his voice cracked. he tried again.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what do you want from me?"</p>
</blockquote><p>it did not answer. it lowered its snout and closed its eyes. what...?</p><p> </p><p>it cracked open one eye to look at fuyuhiko. it pushed its head closer, shutting its eyes again.</p><p>he was shaking so much he could see his field of vision shaking too. yet against his better nature, he turned his face and placed his hand on the dragon's nose. its skin was warm. he would've expected it to be cold. its scales were silky, and fuyuhiko realized they were covered with fur. the dragon opened its eyes, slowly removing its head from fuyuhiko's touch. it turned its back on him, walking in the opposite direction. it looked back at him briefly, gesturing over its shoulder for him to follow.</p><p>he followed closely behind, trudging through the shallow water. the dragon began to run, and fuyuhiko struggled to keep up. it gained speed, bounding toward a gap in the cavern walls.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"wait, please, wait for me!" he wailed.</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>...</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, you okay?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi's whisper roused him from sleep.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"mph?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi rubbed his shoulder.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i just woke up and saw you were shaking. you okay?"</p>
  <p>"y-yea... just had a weird dream."</p>
  <p>"it's still early. come back to sleep."</p>
  <p>"mmm... okay."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi wrapped his arms around him, pulling the duvet over his chest and neck. fuyuhiko muttered something into kazuichi's neck he couldn't make out.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what'd you say?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko grunted, kissing their neck.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"love you."</p>
  <p>"love you, too," said kazuichi, and there was a smile in his voice.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yo, hiko, you forgot your eyepatch!" </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was nearly out the door when he heard kazuichi call back.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"want me to grab it for you?"</p>
  <p>"nah. i'm kind of over it. it's not like it's really doing anything, anyway."</p>
  <p>"alright. the scar does look kinda badass."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi shut the door, bounding after fuyuhiko.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"did you lock it?"</p>
  <p>"nah, it'll be fine," kazuichi assured him, adjusting his hat.</p>
  <p>"kazuichi.."</p>
  <p>"hiko, i promise, it'll be okay."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko clenched his jaw.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"just lock the fucking door. please."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi looked like they wanted to protest, but conceded, pulling the keyring from their belt and locking the door.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"better?" </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko's shoulders instantly relaxed.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"much."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>everyone was already eating when they got to the restaurant. sonia waved at them when they came in, flagging them down to come sit with her and gundham.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"good morning," said sonia cheerfully. gundham simply dipped his head in acknowledgment.</p>
</blockquote><p>he's such a weirdo, kazuichi thought to himself, yet he couldn't help but admire his charisma. it was subtle yet somehow weirdly obnoxious at the same time.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"so, i heard that a meteor shower will be visible from our island tonight!" said sonia, eyes shining.</p>
  <p>"whoa, really?" kazuichi said.</p>
</blockquote><p>he'd never seen a meteor shower before, it sounded really cool.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"how'd you find out about it?" asked fuyuhiko.</p>
  <p>"oh, usami told me. i check in with her every morning before the daily announcment to see if anything interesting is happening later in the day."</p>
  <p>"hey, how come you get to know all the cool stuff while the rest of us don't? that's not fair," kazuichi pouted.</p>
  <p>"if your heart was drawn to mystery in the way that mine and sonia's are, perhaps you would be enlightened with knowledge more often," said gundham, placing a hand over his face for dramatic effect.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko smirked at kazuichi, whose face had turned pink.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"anyway, i wanted to share it with you because i thought you would be interested."</p>
  <p>"it's sweet you thought of us specifically,'" said kazuichi, nudging fuyuhiko.</p>
  <p>"actually," said gundham. "sonia has already informed everyone of this auspicious event, the two of you were simply the last to arrive."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi was blushing again. fuyuhiko snaked his hand under the table to twine their fingers together.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, sonia, where's peko? doesn't she usually sit with you guys?" asked fuyuhiko, not seeing her anywhere.</p>
  <p>"oh! yes, but she's sitting with ibuki today," she replied, pointing gracefully to a table at the back.</p>
</blockquote><p>sure enough, there she was. ibuki was talking loudly, laughing at something fuyuhiko couldn't make out. peko was smiling ever so slightly, sword slung over the back of her chair. huh. he hadn't known they were friends.</p><p> </p><p>they ate breakfast in the usual way, full of laughter and easy conversation. akane stopped kazuichi and fuyuhiko on the way out.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey! you guys pumped for the shower tonight?"</p>
  <p>"hell yea!" said kazuichi, high fiving her.</p>
  <p>"how about you, baby gangsta? ever seen one before?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko pinked at the nickname, rolling his eyes.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"no, this'll be my first."</p>
  <p>"so you're a meteor virgin, huh?"</p>
</blockquote><p>akane squeezed her arm around his head, rubbing his head hard.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"pfft, wouldn't that make you one, too?' fuyuhiko retorted, slipping out of her grasp.</p>
  <p>"huh, guess you got me there."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko saw peko from the corner of his eye, walking past the cottages with ibuki. she looked like she was laughing at something.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"helloooo, earth to fuyuhiko?"</p>
</blockquote><p>akane's voice got his attention.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you comin' or not?"</p>
  <p>"to what?"</p>
  <p>"god, where you even listening? the BEACH, dummy. everyone's heading there in half an hour."</p>
  <p>"you want to?" said kazuichi, bumping his shoulder.</p>
</blockquote><p>honestly, he'd rather sit in the library with kazuichi and read for a while, but... it might be nice to swim. he hadn't last time, anyway.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"well... fuck it, sure. "</p>
  <p>"alright!" said akane, pinching his cheek.</p>
</blockquote><p>she ran the other way, presumably toward her cottage to change. she turned, yelling back.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"see ya there!"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko shook his head. she was growing on him.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you sure you want to?" asked kazuichi, putting their arm around his shoulders.</p>
  <p>"yea. i haven't been since you read me that book, and i can't remember the last time i actually swam."</p>
  <p>"sounds good. after, we can go to the diner for lunch and take a nap at the library."</p>
  <p>"how'd you know i wanted to go to the library?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi sighed, grinning.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're not as hard to read as you'd like to be, kuzuryuu."</p>
</blockquote><p>a year ago, hearing that would've scared him. but... things were a lot different now. they weren't always perfect, of course. that was to be expected. but... he was different now. better, maybe. yes. definitely better.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. give in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the water was warm enough.</p><p>fuyuhiko was ankle-deep at the shore, reluctant to go any further. unlike him, kazuichi went in without hesitation.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"cmon,' hiko, swim with me!" said kazuichi, holding out his hand.</p>
</blockquote><p>his smile was hard to ignore. fuyuhiko took his hand, grumbling to himself.</p><p>he let kazuichi lead him into the water, not expecting that kazuichi would suddenly pick him up.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?!" he spluttered, flailing his limbs.</p>
  <p>"you're being a little baby, now just be still," cooed kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"I'M NOT A BABY."</p>
  <p>"you sure about that?"</p>
  <p>"FUCK OFF, NOW PUT ME DOWN."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>it was no use. kazuichi was actually pretty strong, but he was gentle as he lowered fuyuhiko into the water. he hissed as the water came up around his face.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"see? not so bad."</p>
  <p>"i <em>can</em> swim on my own, y'know."</p>
</blockquote><p>he could, of course, but he kind of liked this. not that he'd like to admit it. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i know, you just seemed nervous. my old lady used to do this to calm me down."</p>
  <p>"i thought you said she didn't like to touch you."</p>
  <p>"she didn't. sometimes, though, on good days, when my dad was busy, she'd grab the bolt cutters and walk with me to the public pool after dark. she taught me to swim over the course of a couple years. she wouldn't say more than a word at a time, but i was a fast learner."</p>
  <p>"did your dad know?"</p>
  <p>"nah. didn't pay enough attention to my mom to care."</p>
  <p>"oh."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>there was an awkward pause.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're right," fuyuhiko mumbled.</p>
  <p>"hm? about what?"</p>
  <p>"i <em>am</em> nervous. not to swim in general, but... god, this sounds so stupid-"</p>
  <p>"it's not stupid," kazuichi said seriously, putting their hand under fuyuhiko's head.</p>
  <p>"you haven't even heard what it is yet..."</p>
  <p>"doesn't matter. if it's you, it's not stupid."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko hoped kazuichi couldn't see his blush.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"well... i was nervous to swim in front of you."</p>
  <p>"what? me?"</p>
  <p>"i knew you would think it was dumb-"</p>
  <p>"no, no, i'm just confused. why would you be nervous? it's just me."</p>
  <p>"i know but... i've always felt this kind of pressure to be really good at things. i feel shitty when i'm not."</p>
  <p>"i'm sure you're good at swimming. but i know the feeling."</p>
  <p>"thanks, kazu, but... can you let me down now?"</p>
  <p>"oh, right, yea."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>kazuichi let him go, patting him on the head like a cat. fuyuhiko didn't comment on it, though he could've.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you may be a good swimmer, but i bet you i can beat you to teruteru," said kazuichi, pointing in teruteru's direction.</p>
  <p>"i accept your challenge, but only if i get to knock him over."</p>
  <p>"deal. now on three."</p>
  <p>"on three or after three?"</p>
  <p>"uhh... after?"</p>
  <p>"so on four, technically?"</p>
  <p>"hey, don't you have dyscalculia?"</p>
  <p>"so?'</p>
  <p>"you know what- anyway, on three."</p>
  <p>"ready."</p>
  <p>"one... two... three!"</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>kazuichi didn't stand a chance. he was right, fuyuhiko was like a fucking bullet. he almost felt bad for teruteru.</p><p>he didn't though, obviously, since it was teruteru.</p><p>fuyuhiko bowled him over with little effort. he never saw it coming.</p><p>kazuichi's head popped up nearby, grinning when he saw fuyuhiko. he swam over, treading water next to him.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"nicely done, ultimate swimming yakuza."</p>
  <p>"<em>please</em> don't call me that."</p>
  <p>"pfft, fine, you big baby. say, uh... shouldn't someone save teruteru?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko looked over to where the one in question was currently drowning.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"probably. not me, though."</p>
  <p>"me neither."</p>
  <p>"..."</p>
  <p>"..."</p>
  <p>"nekomaru would help, right?" suggested kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"yea, he would. you should call him over."</p>
  <p>"you do it!"</p>
  <p>"it was your idea, dumbass!"</p>
  <p>"<em>fine. </em>NEKOMARUUUUUU, TERUTERU'S DROWNIIIIIIIIING."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>sure enough, nekomaru came bounding over, seemingly unaffected by the water density factor. he pulled a choking teruteru out of the water, tucking him under his arm like a football and carrying him back to the beach.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"huh. that was easy," said kazuichi, nodding appreciatively.</p>
  <p>"maybe we should try to get teruteru killed more often," mused fuyuhiko.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"kazuichi, you've got salt in your hair, go shower."</p>
  <p>"mhnhh, i'm busy."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi had been fussing around with a broken radio since they'd gotten back from the beach. fuyuhiko loved seeing them engrossed in what they loved, of course, but he was trying to help kazuichi get into the habit of taking proper care of themself.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"baby, i think it's beyond your help now."</p>
  <p>"it's fine," he said, waving fuyuhiko off. "i just need a little more time..."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko turned on the faucet, putting the stopper in with some effort. he looked through the cabinets, scrunching his nose.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kazu!" he called.</p>
  <p>"mnnh?" kazuichi replied.</p>
  <p>"where's the epsom salt?"</p>
  <p>"the huh what now?"</p>
  <p>"the big bag of salt, dummy."</p>
  <p>"oh. bottom shelf, i think, next to the bandaids."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko grabbed the bag, eyeballing it and dumping about half the contents into the shallow water.</p><p>he stirred the salt around with his hand, soaking his sleeve by accident. the water seemed hot enough.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kazuichiiiiiiii," fuyuhiko said sweetly.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi peered over their shoulder.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"....yea?"</p>
  <p>"cmon,' i got a bath ready for you."</p>
  <p>"a bath? since when do i take baths..."</p>
  <p>"since now. they're relaxing and good for you. now get over here."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi put down the busted radio, trudging over to the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i put some of the salt in it so it makes your skin soft. or something. whatever, it smells nice."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi looked over at the water, which was still running. he turned the faucet off, since the tub was close to being full.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"thank you, hiko."</p>
</blockquote><p>he leaned over to kiss him.</p><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko was blushing.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"...i trust you to undress on your own."</p>
  <p>"you trust me?" said kazuichi jokingly.</p>
  <p>"just shut up and enjoy your bath."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko made a hasty exit and shut the door behind him, sitting down in front of it. it's not like he was gonna go in, because that'd be weird, right?</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko?" came kazuichi's voice.</p>
</blockquote><p>was there something wrong? did the bath have too much salt?? (the bath definitely had too much salt.)</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"y-yea?"</p>
  <p>"um... never mind."</p>
</blockquote><p>oh god, something was wrong. what had he managed to fuck up? it was so simple, he couldn't have managed to do it <em>wrong...</em></p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what? is something wrong?"</p>
  <p>"no, no, just... could you come in?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko's heart was practically beating itself out of his chest cavity, but he popped his head inside.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea?" he said, looking at the floor.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi looked back at him over his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"um... this may seem kind of weird, but... would you wash my hair? i mean, if you don't want to, that's cool, of course, i mean, it's weird, so, i get it if you don't want to, maybe it was stupid to ask in the first place..."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko had already sat next to the tub, holding the shampoo bottle.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"is that a yes?" said kazuichi, grinning.</p>
  <p>"yes, you bitch. now, uhh... tell me when, i guess."</p>
  <p>"sure... is now good?"</p>
  <p>"yea, now's... good."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko loosened his tie, tossing it to the side before rolling up his sleeves. he poured out a glob of shampoo into his hand. was it too much? probably too much. (it was too much.) he ran his fingers through kazuichi's salt-stiff hair, getting suds all over his arms. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"sorry if this is... weird, i guess," said kazuichi. </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko could feel the vibration of them speaking as he was touching them.</p><p>it was... kind of surreal.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"no, it's not weird, i just, uh... i've never been super intimate like this with anyone before."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko felt kazuichi's gaze on them, knowing they were raising an eyebrow quizzically.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, we both know you're not a virgin-"</p>
  <p>"NO, not like that, like... this!" fuyuhiko gestured, spreading his arms.</p>
  <p>"you've never washed someone else's hair before?"</p>
  <p>"no. you're my first." </p>
</blockquote><p>there was something sweet about the way he said it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"so, am i supposed to massage your head or something?"</p>
  <p>"i mean, you don't have to, but i'd appreciate it."</p>
  <p>"all you had to say was yes," fuyuhiko rolled his eyes, scratching kazuichi's scalp with his nails.</p>
  <p>"hmmm... that's nice," said kazuichi, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the tub.</p>
</blockquote><p>he had a hard time saying it to kazuichi, but he was so pretty. when he was smiling, when he was concentrating, when he was stimming, he was always pretty. </p><p>kazuichi made him tongue-tied. it was so cliche, but it was true.</p><p>even for someone like him, <em>the</em> fuyuhiko, who was supposed to be tough on the outside and inside, it was true. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"kazu?"</p>
  <p>"hmm?"</p>
  <p>"do you... wanna be intimate? like... more touchy and stuff. i mean, i know we hold hands and shit like that but..."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko felt kazuichi laugh.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're so dense sometimes."</p>
  <p>"what? what do you mean?"</p>
  <p>"i tell you that my mom never touched me at all and my dad only did to hit me..."</p>
  <p>"i mean, yea, but i still wanna respect your boundaries, stupid!"</p>
  <p>"you're cute. but, yes, of course i do."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi reached up to kiss him. his face was wet and his hands were wet and he was getting fuyuhiko's shirt wet, but it didn't matter to kazuichi.</p><p>maybe it mattered to fuyuhiko, though, because-</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, this is a weird angle, i'm coming in," said fuyuhiko, sitting on the edge of the tub to unbutton his shirt.</p>
  <p>"oh," kazuichi said suggestively. "i didn't know you were into that kind of th-"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko got in with his pants and socks on.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what... are you doing?"</p>
  <p>"i said i was coming in."</p>
  <p>"...with your clothes on?"</p>
  <p>"yea. what did you think i meant?"</p>
  <p>"WITHOUT CLOTHES, OBVIOUSLY, LIKE YOU DO IN THE BATH."</p>
  <p>"oh... is that okay?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi shut his eyes.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, now what are you doing?"</p>
  <p>"trying not to look at you, because if i do i'll laugh and i won't be able to stop. now take your clothes off and get in here."</p>
  <p>"so dramatic," fuyuhiko grumbled, but obliged, hopping out and shucking off his sopping wet clothes.</p>
</blockquote><p>he hesitated outside of the water, embarassed, even though kazuichi still had his eyes closed.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"so... do you just wanna... cuddle?"</p>
  <p>"yea. that'd be nice. but you still have to finish washing my hair."</p>
  <p>"right, right."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko got back in reluctantly. </p><p>kazuichi's arms were warm as he pulled him into a hug, his chin resting at kazuichi's clavicle.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, you're pink."</p>
  <p>"what?"</p>
  <p>"you're blushing. you're pinker than my hair."</p>
</blockquote><p>mother<em>fucker</em>.</p><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko finished washing kazuichi's hair. he had to take out his little braid, but he redid it well enough. after a while, kazuichi complained that their fingers were pruny, pouting. fuyuhiko got out first, throwing them a towel.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"see? baths can be nice," said fuyuhiko, rubbing his head vigorously with the towel.</p>
  <p>"never said they weren't, i just forget to shower... and eat... sometimes."</p>
  <p>"i know, i'm the one who makes you shower and eat when you forget."</p>
  <p>"i don't know what i'd do without you," said kazuichi, his tone serious.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko's blush reached up to his ears.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"get dressed," he deflected, grabbing some clean clothes.</p>
  <p>"yea, don't we have to be at the beach in like... ten minutes?"</p>
  <p>"WHAT?"</p>
  <p>"what?!" </p>
  <p>"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"</p>
  <p>"I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE TIME, HAVE YOU MET ME?"</p>
  <p>"I DON'T WANNA BE LATE."</p>
  <p>"WHY DO YOU CARE?"</p>
  <p>"BECAUSE I LIKE YOU A LOT AND I WANNA SEE THE METEORS WITH YOU."</p>
</blockquote><p>that had come out much louder than expected.</p><p>kazuichi snorted, urgency gone. he wrapped fuyuhiko in a hug, hair still wet.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i like you a lot too, little baby man. now let's go before we're late."</p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey.... this took me longer than expected to churn out lmao. i finished v3 since the last chapter and i'm not trying to spoil anything but... let's just say it's kind of affected my interpretation of the in-game universe. nevertheless, i really want to see this to completion so i'm gonna do that!! hope y'all are enjoying so far :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. mythweaver</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"whatcha readin'?"</p><p>kazuichi rested his head on fuyuhiko's shoulder, peeking at the book he was looking through. he didn't mind, flipping the book to the cover so kazuichi could see the title.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"didn't know you were into poetry," kazuichi said, kissing fuyuhiko's ear.</p>
  <p>"i actually wrote a lot of verse back home," fuyuhiko replied, thumbing the pages.</p>
  <p>"what? how did i not know this?" kazuichi gasped.</p>
  <p>"you never asked," fuyuhiko retorted, flicking them in the forehead.</p>
  <p>"my bad," kazuichi replied, sitting crosslegged in front of fuyuhiko as they rubbed the tender spot on their face. </p>
  <p>"it's just... i dunno, you wouldn't really expect a gangster to write poetry, y'know?"</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko couldn't blame him, he wouldn't expect it either.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea, i get what you mean. i don't read much of other people's stuff, i kind of just write what's on my mind."</p>
  <p>"why this, then? is there something special about greek verse or something?"</p>
  <p>"it's not that it's greek so much, but... here, i'll show you."</p>
</blockquote><p>he scooched over to kazuichi, flipping through to find what he was looking for.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"here. i think this one is my favorite."</p>
  <p>"it's so short... and what are these weird line breaks?"</p>
  <p>"it's only a fragment. i think the breaks are to fill the gaps."</p>
  <p>"so... you're only reading parts?"</p>
  <p>"that's all there is."</p>
  <p>"that's disappointing. what's the point in reading unfinished poetry?"</p>
  <p>"<em>read it</em> and you'll find out!" fuyuhiko scowled, tapping the page.</p>
  <p>"fine, fine, but i read slow, so give me a minute."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko thought for a moment.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"would you read it aloud?"</p>
  <p>"hmm? sure, but why? do you just like hearin' my voice or something?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko rolled his eyes fondly.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea, but that's not the point. originally, this would've been sung. but it only rhymes in greek, so speaking it aloud is the closest thing."</p>
  <p>"i think," kazuichi said. "you just like me reading to you."</p>
</blockquote><p>he was right, of course. his voice sounded kind as he read.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"He seems to me equal to gods that man</p>
  <p>whoever he is who opposite you</p>
  <p>sits and listens close</p>
  <p>       to your sweet speaking</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>and lovely laughing-- oh it</p>
  <p>puts the heart in my chest on wings</p>
  <p>for when i look at you, even a moment, no speaking</p>
  <p>        is left in me</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>no, tongue breaks and thin</p>
  <p>fire is racing under skin</p>
  <p>and in eyes no sight and drumming</p>
  <p>          fills ears</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>and cold sweat holds me and shaking</p>
  <p>grips me all, greener than grass</p>
  <p>i am and dead-- or almost</p>
  <p>i seem to me.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>but all is to be dared, because even a person of poverty..."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi looked up from the book, a softness in his gaze.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"it's beautiful. it's sad that it cuts off at the end."</p>
  <p>"yea," fuyuhiko muttered, thinking.</p>
  <p>"i see why you like it. it's so... pretty."</p>
  <p>"she was called the tenth muse. sappho was."</p>
  <p>"muse? like inspiration."</p>
  <p>"inspiration comes from the muses. they were goddesses of art and beauty."</p>
  <p>"she must've been pretty special for people to call her the tenth one, then. say, how do you know so much about this, anyway?"</p>
  <p>"well... back at home, while i was struggling with my sexuality, i went to the library a lot to look things up. i found out about her and how she was a poet, so i wanted to know more."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>kazuichi took a moment to connect the dots.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"wait, she was gay?"</p>
  <p>"yea, duh. the island where she lived, lesbos, is where the word lesbian comes from."</p>
  <p>"i had no idea. does she write about... liking women... in her poetry?"</p>
  <p>"oh, yea. even in the fragments, she talks about it."</p>
  <p>"did she only like women? like, a lesbian in both senses of the word."</p>
  <p>"yea, they think so. some old greeks used to joke that she had a husband, though."</p>
  <p>"hmm? like 'oh, gay sappho totally has a man husband,' huh?"</p>
  <p>"psh, yea. in greek, 'his' name was something like... what was it again... 'dick allcocks from man island.'"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi snorted.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"pretty raunchy. i would've expected the greeks to be more... refined, i guess."</p>
  <p>"the funny thing is that some white guys didn't get the joke and made up this rumor that she actually liked men."</p>
  <p>"you're joking."</p>
  <p>"wish i was."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko laughed. laughter was easy with kazuichi around. he was kind of a doofus, but in a good way. over the top and constantly distracted and always kind.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"so, that one was your favorite, right?"</p>
  <p>"yea, but it's honestly hard to choose."</p>
  <p>"can i borrow this one?"</p>
  <p>"sure. i was gonna bring it back to the cottage anyway."</p>
  <p>"nice. any others you like?"</p>
  <p>"god, so many. here, i can show you some more."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko went to grab the book from kazuichi, but kazuichi moved their hand away.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what are you doing, bastard? gimme-"</p>
  <p>"it's annoying having to pass it back and forth. here, come sit on my lap."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko blushed. grumbling, he obliged, plopping himself into kazuichi's lap. their head rested on his shoulder, arms wrapped around his waist.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you read this time."</p>
  <p>"why me?"</p>
  <p>"maybe i just like hearin' your voice."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko blushed yet again. nevertheless, he flipped through to the page he was looking for and read aloud.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"some men say an army of horses and some men say an army on foot</p>
  <p>and some men say an army of ships is the most beautiful thing</p>
  <p>on the black earth. but i say it is</p>
  <p>     what you love.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>easy to make this understood by all.</p>
  <p>for she who overcame everyone</p>
  <p>     left her fine husband</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>behind and went sailing to troy.</p>
  <p>not for her children nor her dear parents</p>
  <p>had she a thought, no--</p>
  <p>    ]led her astray</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>]for</p>
  <p>]lightly</p>
  <p>]reminded me now of anaktoria</p>
  <p>who is gone."</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"who is she?"</p>
  <p>"hmm?"</p>
  <p>"who overcame her fine husband? and who's anaktoria?"</p>
  <p>"oh, <em>she</em> is helen. she was supposed to be the most beautiful woman on earth."</p>
  <p>"oh. but who's anaktoria?"</p>
  <p>"i think that was one of her lovers."</p>
  <p>"ohh... so she said that her lover reminded her of helen?"</p>
  <p>"i think so."</p>
  <p>"that's sweet. but... what does she mean by 'gone?'"</p>
  <p>"i dunno. sappho's the only one who could tell us for sure."</p>
  <p>"and she's gone too, huh?"</p>
  <p>"yea."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko placed his hand on one of kazuichi's across his stomach. he wished..... he wished sappho were still alive, somehow, so he could ask her how to write so well about someone she loved.</p><p> </p><hr/><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"hiko!" said kazuichi, his tone excited.</p>
  <p>fuyuhiko, who was writing something in his notebook, looked over at kazuichi as they flopped onto the bed, holding the book of poetry.</p>
  <p>"here, i found one that reminds me of you."</p>
</blockquote><p>he read it aloud.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>       "but i am not someone who likes to wound</p>
  <p>rather i have a quiet mind."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>brief, yet poignant.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i thought of you, because... well... i know you don't want to hurt anyone. you're thoughtful and quiet. you seem all prickly and stuff, but that's so people don't find out how soft your insides are. i think."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko's eyes got hot with unshed tears.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"god, fuck you, dude, you're like... ridiculously kind."</p>
  <p>"... thanks? i think?" said kazuichi, eyebrows raised as they rested their head on their arm.</p>
  <p>"you're just..." fuyuhiko struggled to find the words.</p>
  <p>"i'm a bastard, i know."</p>
  <p>"no-- i mean, you are, but that's not what i was saying. you're... you're good. like... in your heart. you're a good person. you want to be good and you are good. i... i don't know what to do."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi shuffled on his knees over to fuyuhiko, the book forgotten.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"just be with me and stuff. that's all there is to do," said kazuichi, rubbing fuyuhiko's shoulders.</p>
  <p>"not like that. like... i have these... feelings for you, and they're so loud and there are so many and i feel like i'm gonna fucking come apart."</p>
  <p>"like... in a bad way?"</p>
  <p>"no, you idiot!" fuyuhiko raised his voice, shoving kazuichi's hands away.</p>
  <p>"i'm in love with you and it's the best thing i've ever done. i'm not good, i've never been, but you... you're too good. i don't wanna... ruin you. if you hang around me, i'll hurt you and i'll never forgive myself for that. i'm already headed for hell or judgement or whatever the fuck is waiting for me when i die for what i've done. i've made my peace with that. but... that's a problem for another time, when i'm dead. i'm alive now, and... i can't live knowing i hurt you."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi rubbed his eyes with his palms, and fuyuhiko couldn't see his expression. </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"DON'T YOU FUCKING GET IT?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi raised his voice. he <em>never </em>raised his voice.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"I'M NOT GOOD. I HURT PEOPLE, I... I KILLED PEOPLE. I KILLED MY FATHER AND I KILLED PEOPLE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW AND I LAUGHED BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD. I'M... i'm no angel."</p>
</blockquote><p>he was crying.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i... i don't think i deserve anything. really, i've earned so much worse than what i'm getting. but you... i've never loved anyone before, but i love you. i know that. i never loved my family, and i never had friends, and i... i love you. i don't deserve to love you, but no one's stopped me yet, so i do. and maybe we're both going to hell for what we did, but... i don't think so. i think... we'll live again, after this life is over. and i'll try to remember you in every life and find you wherever you are so i can feel this way again. but that's irrelevant right now. right now... we're just two genocidal maniacs who have nothing left but each other."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko said nothing as he grabbed kazuichi and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him as he wailed. they held each other and cried, and their heartrates beat in tandem. </p><p>they wept until their chests heaved and their bodies ached.</p><p>they fell asleep in their clothes, and slept soundlessly. their slumber was dreamless. no nightmares jolted them awake. they slept, and all they had was each other.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>"you came and i was crazy for you</p>
  <p>and you cooled my mind that burned with longing."</p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>all quotes used in this chapter are taken from the anne carson translation of sappho's poetry, "if not, winter." sappho is very precious to me, and i think her words would be valued by these two for many reasons.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. the lovers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>fuyuhiko bit down on the pen cap, chewing it thoughtfully.</p><p>he'd promised kazuichi he'd show him his writing, but there was no way in hell he'd hand over one of his half-baked poems that wasn't longer than two lines. he usually wrote in <em>tanka</em>, which worked fine, usually. but he wanted kazuichi to read something longer, with more substance. he let kazuichi go ahead of him to breakfast earlier that morning so he'd have some more time to think. </p><p>he didn't want what he'd written to seem clichéd or silly. he wanted to write how he felt, which seemed impossible. he felt so deeply and so much and in so many ways. how was he meant to write all of that out in five lines? </p><p>he had an idea. he thought for a while, and churned out a finished poem. pocketing it, he headed to breakfast.</p><p>when he got there, everyone was mostly finished with eating, talking amongst themselves or sharing what they hadn't eaten. kazuichi grinned when they saw him, offering him a plate of waffles.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"welcome back! you finish what you were working on?"</p>
  <p>"mhmm. here."</p>
  <p>"already? i thought you would've taken more time."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko offered up the folded slip of paper he had written it on. kazuichi took it, opening it up and scanning it slowly.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"huh? that was beautiful, but... 'write the next part?' what does that mean?"</p>
  <p>"it's like telephone. i write one verse, you write the next."</p>
  <p>"hey, that's no fair! i didn't agree to writing anything. besides, i'm no good at this kind of thing."</p>
  <p>"i'm sure you're good at it. besides, this is how people used to write them way back when."</p>
  <p>"huh? how do you mean?"</p>
  <p>"well... during the manyoshu period, a man would send a tanka to his lover, and they'd reply back with their own. it was a part of courtship."</p>
  <p>"so we're courting now?" kazuichi said, leaning on their hand and winking. </p>
  <p>"...anyway, the point is to write them back and forth until the poem is finished."</p>
  <p>"when does it end?"</p>
  <p>"hmm... i didn't think about that. we could play it by ear."</p>
  <p>"don't we always?"</p>
  <p>"pfft, yea... we do."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>kazuichi had been at it for hours trying to come up with a response to fuyuhiko's poem. </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you're overthinking it," fuyuhiko had told him. </p>
</blockquote><p>he was right, but that wasn't going to stop him. he'd retreated to his workshop to take a break and maybe fix that radio, finally. it bugged him that it was taking this long to repair. he should've had it fixed by now, or at least been able to tell it was a lost cause and strip it for parts. for some reason, it was throwing him for a loop. he'd replaced the batteries, cleaned the dials, and patched up the transformers. something was evading him.</p><p>they didn't like to be confused. like, they hated it. it made them feel stupid, and they'd been told they stupid all their life. it was only in the moments where he proved otherwise that he really felt that he was clever. he knew he wasn't stupid. or slow, or a million other things.</p><p>there was just something he was missing. it was on the edge of their consciousness, present but not willing to make itself known. they had to seek it out. for some people, probably most, they figured, their thoughts made themselves presentable most of the time. sat neatly in a row and announced themselves so they might be known and dealt with accordingly. kazuichi was different. his brain was different. he'd been told it was a curse. a disease, maybe, or a side effect of annual vaccinations. </p><p>it was none of these things, of course. it meant he had to work a little harder than most to figure himself out. at times, it hurt. it hurt him so deeply his head ached and felt like it would split down the middle. other times, though, it gave him strength. for there is something to be said for what it takes to find what you've hidden from yourself.</p><p>kazuichi saw it. what he was missing. more accurately, what the radio was missing: a capacitor. after finding one and putting it in place, he started the radio up. the speakers crackled, and music began to play. kazuichi laughed with joy, turning the dials to get to the right frequency. coincidentally, he'd found inspiration for his poem. he looked at what fuyuhiko had written. he really did have a quiet mind, a gentle one. kazuichi worried about how their words would measure up next to his. </p><p>they began to write.</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>it felt kind of clunky, almost childish. kazuichi wasn't used to using big words or anything like that. he'd gone through, like, four different drafts before he decided to do some research. he got a book from the library before as a kind of study guide, by some guy named walt whitman.</p><p>he didn't have the attention span or the time to read all of the included poems, opting instead to close his eyes and flip through the pages at random. it wasn't the most efficient system, but it gave him the boost he needed. they found one they really liked. no, "like" was the wrong word for it. it felt really... personal. not that the other poems weren't, but something about this one felt like it was written explicitly with them in mind. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"of him i love both day and night, i dream'd i heard he was dead;</p>
  <p>and i dream'd i went where they had buried him i love</p>
  <p>--but he was not in that place;</p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and i dream'd i wander'd, searching among burial places, to find him;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and i found that every place was a burial-place;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>the houses full of life were equally full of death, (this house is now;)</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>the streets, the shipping, the places of amusement,</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>the chicago, boston, philadelphia, the mannahatta, were as full of the dead as of the living,</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and fuller, o vastly fuller, of the dead than of the living;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>—and what i dream'd i will henceforth tell to every person and age,</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and i stand henceforth bound to what i dream'd;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and now i am willing to disregard burial-places, and dispense with them;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and if the memorials of the dead were put up indifferently everywhere,</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>even in the room where i eat or sleep, i should be satisfied;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>and if the corpse of any one i love, or if my own corpse,</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>be duly render'd to powder, and pour'd in the sea, i shall be satisfied;</p>
  </div>
  <div class="translations-teiLine">
    <p>or if it be distributed to the winds, i shall be satisfied."</p>
  </div>
</blockquote><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>it hurt kazuichi to read. it hurt because they understood so deeply, probably more than most, what it meant. he dreamt in nightmares, where the faces of the dead wept and scorned him from beyond the grave. it terrified him, woke him from sleep drenched in sweat.</p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>yet...</p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>there was something that terrified him deeper than his sins. something that spoke in a soft voice and cradled him with the gentleness of a mother</p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>--not that gentleness was something his mother had ever showed him-- it spoke in his beloved's voice and wore his face.</p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"i will be the last one you lose."</p>
  </blockquote>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>they read it at least three times over, trying to absorb it, to understand it fully. it stung each time, but they were expecting it to. their hands shook terribly as they tried to piece something together. it was twice as hard, because they had to think of something with the right number of syllables, and then make sure it didn't sound as stupid on paper as it did in their head. </p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>when it was done, it felt like... something. it had substance, at least. it didn't sound very much like he was the one speaking, he'd never be able to say something so fanciful naturally. he wasn't quite sure how to describe it. it was like he was just the messenger for the words. he didn't know where they came from, exactly, but they sounded good. they did when he read them, at least. </p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p>he hoped that was enough.</p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="translations-teiLine">
  <hr/>
  <p> </p>
  <p>kazuichi kept surprising fuyuhiko.</p>
  <p>not purposefully, most likely. he imagined it was hard for them to do something as tedious as writing in verse, especially since they weren't used to writing at all. the voice they used in writing seemed... shy. a soft voice, afraid to rock the boat or upset the balance. as time went on, though, it seemed to become more confident. they would exchange poems at breakfast when they'd finished them. it was far from daily, more like biweekly. it wasn't exactly traditional, but some things take time, as it would seem.</p>
  <p>it was a silent exchange. one would give the little piece of paper, and the other would read it and smile in that sad way. they'd continue on as if nothing had happened.</p>
  <p>it was a familiar thing. though neither of them had done it before, it came easily. </p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"hey, baby gangsta!"</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>akane's voice startled him. fuyuhiko was almost at kazuichi's workshop, where he'd decided to customize his newly fixed radio.</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"hey," he said casually, or as casually as he could (he wasn't the best with formalities).</p>
    <p>"going to visit pinkie?"</p>
    <p>"how'd you know?" he said sarcastically, unable to suppress a small smile.</p>
    <p>"just a hunch," said akane proudly, grinning.</p>
    <p>"you look... good. like, in a good mood," said fuyuhiko.</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>not that she wasn't usually in high spirits, but she seemed especially excited. </p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"oh, it's nothin,' just happy i guess," she said sheepishly.</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>she was a pretty terrible liar, but fuyuhiko didn't press her further.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"alright, well, i better get goin,' but it was good to... see you."</p>
    <p>"oh, yea, totally! tell them i said hi! i gotta run, too, peko and ibuki are waiting on me. catch you later, baby gangsta!"</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>and with that, she took off at a sprint.</p>
  <p>peko and ibuki again... were they...? no, probably not. that wasn't like peko anyway. yet, a part of him wanted it to be true. he wanted peko to be happy, and to be really cared for by someone she wasn't already obligated to protect.</p>
  <p>he continued heading over to the workshop. akane had been really good about alternating pronouns for kazuichi since they'd come out. everyone had been nice about it, of course, but fuyuhiko really appreciated her for it. it seemed easy for her, which he knew made kazuichi really happy. </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"kazu!" he yelled without knocking.</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>kazuichi yelped, dropping the pencil they were holding.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"sorry, babe, didn't mean to scare ya."</p>
    <p>"i-i wasn't scared, just.."</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>fuyuhiko smirked, sitting down in a lawn chair kazuichi had probably nicked from the market.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"how's that radio lookin'?"</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>kazuichi glanced over at it. it was just a skeleton of parts, awaiting a pretty new exterior.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"it's going. i got kind of distracted trying to write a response to your last poem, though."</p>
    <p>"can i help?"</p>
    <p>"i think that kinda defeats the purpose, hiko."</p>
    <p>"you're right, you're right, but... is there something in particular you're having a hard time with?"</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>kazuichi narrowed his eyes, thinking.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"i feel like mine are kinda shitty compared to yours. i mean, i <em>know </em>they are, because you've had so much more experience with writing and stuff, but i'm still a little embarrassed."</p>
    <p>"kazu, it doesn't have to be fancy or anything. i'm not critiquing you, i just want to, like... hear some of what you're thinking. if that makes sense."</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>kazuichi laid down on the dirty floor, arms spread wide. they sighed out, but it seemed like a sigh or relief.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>"i love you, hiko."</p>
    <p>"i love you, pinkie."</p>
    <p>"pinkie?"</p>
    <p>"akane called you that, and i thought it was cute."</p>
    <p>"i like it. call me that again."</p>
    <p>"pinkie, you have dirt on your cheek."</p>
    <p>"i do? where?"</p>
    <p>"ha, gotcha."</p>
    <p>"fuck you."</p>
    <p>"you first."</p>
  </blockquote>
  <p>they were sweet to each other like that.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HEY sorry i felt obligated to include more homoerotic poetry to advance the plot yk... but yea that poem's called "of him i love day and night" by walt whitman! anyway pekobukis im gonna feed yall i promise!!!! just give me like.. another chapter or two yea that seems right. hope yall r enjoying so far ;D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. full circle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it felt finished. to kazuichi, at least.</p><p>they were honestly really proud of the work they'd put into the writing, and they knew fuyuhiko was proud, too. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hiko, do you think the poem's done?"</p>
  <p>"hmm.."</p>
</blockquote><p>he was doodling something.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, bastard, what do you think?"</p>
  <p>"isn't that my line?" fuyuhiko snorted, looking up from the paper.</p>
  <p>"yea, i guess, but what are you drawing?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko blushed.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"it's not finished, but..."</p>
</blockquote><p>he offered kazuichi the notepad, staring at his shoes. there were little sketches of kazuichi all over the page. smiling, frowning, giggling. they did look half finished, some just outlines, but others seemed mostly done. kazuichi liked how he looked when fuyuhiko drew him.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"fuyuhiko, you're one sappy motherfucker."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>kazuichi plopped himself on fuyuhiko's lap, hugging him tight. he felt fuyuhiko chuckle.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"why didn't you show them to me earlier?"</p>
  <p>"dunno. i guess i was kind of embarrassed. i'm not much of an artist.."</p>
  <p>"isn't that my line?" kazuichi replied, echoing fuyuhiko just minutes prior.</p>
  <p>"shut up," said fuyuhiko, nuzzling his face into kazuichi's shoulder."</p>
</blockquote><p>there was a knock at the door. fuyuhiko groaned.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"i'll get it," said kazuichi, extracting himself from fuyuhiko's embrace. he opened the door to find akane.</p>
  <p>"heykazuichisoineedyourhelpwithsomethingandwehavetogorightnowisthatokaythanks."</p>
</blockquote><p>akane grabbed kazuichi's arm and pulled them out the door. she hesitated, popping her head back in to look at fuyuhiko.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you stay here," she said seriously, a serious look in her eyes.</p>
  <p>"o-okay, have fun, kazu," he replied, eyebrows raised.</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi seemed just as confused, but waved as akane dragged him off.</p><p>fuyuhiko wondered what that was all about...</p><p> </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>there was a knock on the door a little while later. was kazuichi already back from whatever akane had stolen them away for? fuyuhiko got up to answer it.</p><p>ibuki?</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey hey hey, fuyuhiko man!"</p>
  <p>"uh, hey, ibuki."</p>
  <p>"ibuki has something to talk to you about. will you come walk and talk with ibuki for a little bit?"</p>
</blockquote><p>well, she seemed like she did really want to talk with him. and with kazuichi preoccupied, it's not like he had anything better to do.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"sure."</p>
  <p>"poggers!" ibuki said, punching the air.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko didn't really know what that meant, but followed ibuki as she skipped down the path away from the hotel. he caught up with her and headed down to the beach.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"so, what did you wanna talk to me about?" he asked, kicking up sand as he walked.</p>
  <p>"well, it's not that <em>i</em> have anything talk about in particular, but i'm telling you anyway."</p>
  <p>"huh? whaddya mean?"</p>
</blockquote><p>ibuki turned her plastic beaded bracelets methodically.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"ibuki's not speaking for ibuki, but peko wanted me to tell you this."</p>
  <p>"peko?"</p>
  <p>"mhmm. peko told me what to say to you, so i'm saying it to you."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was confused. why couldn't peko tell him herself? was there something wrong? and why ibuki? well, they had been closer lately, but...</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"ibuki, what did she tell you to say?"</p>
  <p>"i'm about to say it, silly," she said, booping his nose gently.</p>
  <p>"so!" she started, shaking her wrists so her bracelets clicked together. "peko's been thinking and reflecting a lot lately. she's been thinking about how she feels about you, and about people in general."</p>
</blockquote><p>a lump formed in fuyuhiko's throat. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"peko told ibuki to tell you that she's sorry, first."</p>
  <p>"she's sorry? for what?"</p>
</blockquote><p>he had a sense of what she might be sorry for, but couldn't be sure.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"she's sorry for making you feel weird before. she knows you think of her as a sister more than a right hand or a lover."</p>
  <p>"she didn't need to apologize for that," fuyuhiko spoke softly, feeling a sudden guilt.</p>
  <p>"i'm not finished!" said ibuki.</p>
  <p>"ahh, sorry. go ahead."</p>
  <p>"she told me to tell you that first. the second thing is that she doesn't think of you as a lover, but as a brother and someone to protect."</p>
</blockquote><p>...what?</p><p>what had changed since they'd last spoken? his head spun with questions.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"the third thing is that she's actually a lesbian, and was struggling with compulsory heterosexuality before," said ibuki.</p>
  <p>"wait... what?"</p>
  <p>"is there something wrong?" ibuki tilted her head, concerned.</p>
  <p>"no, just... i wasn't expecting that," fuyuhiko admitted.</p>
  <p>"neither was peko," ibuki laughed.</p>
</blockquote><p>peko was lesbian, huh... it made sense, actually. wait, if she was a lesbian, then did that mean....?</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"the last thing is that peko and ibuki are together now, and i'm supporting peko as she opens up about her trauma and internalized homophobia," said ibuki proudly.</p>
  <p>"i'm... not surprised, actually."</p>
  <p>"mhmm," said ibuki, crouching down to watch a little crab scuttle across the sand. </p>
  <p>"ibuki?" </p>
  <p>"yea?" said ibuki, looking up from the crab.</p>
  <p>"is she... do you make her happy?"</p>
</blockquote><p>ibuki blushed, straightening up and turning her bracelets.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"well... she makes me happy, and i think she's been happier since we started dating, sooooo... yea, i think so."</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko rushed forward to hug her without warning.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"uhh... what... what are you doing?" she asked, laughing awkwardly.</p>
  <p>"i'm just.." his voice was choked with tears.</p>
  <p>"fuyuhiko...?"</p>
  <p>"i'm so happy she's happy, and that she has someone to love."</p>
</blockquote><p>ibuki relaxed, sliding her arms around him to hug him back.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"ibuki's happy, too."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko pulled away, wiping his eyes.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, wait, i wanted to ask something."</p>
  <p>"sure, go ahead!"</p>
  <p>"was peko... afraid to talk to me?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>ibuki laughed.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, no, she'd never be afraid of you. she just thought it would be awkward, and that she wouldn't be able to really say everything she wanted to say."</p>
  <p>"i understand," fuyuhiko replied, feeling a weight dissipate from off his chest.</p>
  <p>"oh, fuck, kazuichi's still with akane!" ibuki burst out.</p>
</blockquote><p>she grabbed fuyuhiko's hand, dragging him along.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"c'mon,' she's probably made him go on the roller coaster by now."</p>
</blockquote><p>so <em>that's</em> <em>why</em> akane had stolen kazuichi away so urgently, so ibuki could talk to fuyuhiko alone. it was.. really sweet actually. fuyuhiko laughed, letting himself be pulled along by ibuki's firm grip.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>sure enough, they found akane and kazuichi at the roller coaster. kazuichi had his head between his legs, hands gripping the safety bar.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, hey!" said akane, waving. </p>
  <p>"glad you guys are here, one more ride and i thought this one was gonna blow chunks," she gestured at the hunched over kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"thanks for keeping them occupied, akane!" said ibuki, shaking her wrists happily.</p>
  <p>"no problem! anything for my pal!" she squeezed ibuki into a bone-crushing hug.</p>
</blockquote><p>ibuki didn't seem to mind in the slightest.</p><p>fuyuhiko made his way over to the car kazuichi was sitting in.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, hey babe," kazuichi strained, offering a weak smile.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko sat down next to them, rubbing their back.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"she got you good, huh?"</p>
  <p>"yea, she did."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko chuckled, leaning his head on kazuichi's shoulder.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"pretty sweet of akane to almost make me hurl so ibuki could talk to you," said kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"wait, she told you?"</p>
  <p>"oh yea! after the first go-round she told me the whole plan."</p>
  <p>"so... you sacrificed yourself.... for me?"</p>
  <p>"don't get all sappy on me, you sound kinda gay you know... but yes, i'm heroic, i know."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko felt overwhelmed with fondness.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"c'mon, let's go to the restaurant, i'll get you some ginger ale for your stomach."</p>
  <p>"god, you're so sexy when you offer me carbonated beverages," kazuichi joked.</p>
  <p>"that's the only time i'm sexy, huh?"</p>
  <p>"hey, i never said that, don't go puttin' words in my mouth."</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi stood, grabbing fuyuhiko's hand.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"now, come on, let's get going before i feel sick again."</p>
  <p>"actually," said akane, sharing a knowing look with ibuki. "there's actually a little shindig at the pool that we forgot to tell you guys about."</p>
  <p>"so this was all a setup so you could plan a party?"</p>
  <p>"not entirely," ibuki piped in. "it <em>was</em> so i could talk to fuyuhiko alone, but also because you two never leave each other's side, and we wanted an excuse for everyone to have fun together!"</p>
</blockquote><p>how could they be so kind? did he deserve this?</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"well, why didn't you say so? c'mon, hiko, let's get going!"</p>
  <p>"okay, okay, let's go, then."</p>
</blockquote><p>akane and ibuki chatted and laughed on the way to the main island, but kazuichi just clung to fuyuhiko's arm as they walked in comfortable silence. the silence was gradually broken by the sounds of a pool party in full swing as they got closer to the hotel.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, you guys made it!" said mahiru, waving from the shallow end.</p>
  <p>"took you long enough," muttered hiyoko, who was laying on a nearby innertube.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>fuyuhiko rolled his eyes, following kazuichi into the cabin to change. kazuichi grabbed some baggy swim trunks from the dresser, throwing a pair to fuyuhiko. fuyuhiko changed quickly, side-eyeing kazuichi as he did. kazuichi caught him staring.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"what?"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko blushed and looked away quickly.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"nothin.'"</p>
  <p>"hey, no shame in admiring the biggest ass on jabberwock island."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko snorted. he did have an, uhh.. impressive ass.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"you sure about that?"</p>
  <p>"positive. there's no one who comes close in this category."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko thought hard.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"well, gundham's pretty..."</p>
  <p>"HEY!"</p>
  <p>"i'm serious! you ever seen his figure? whew.."</p>
  <p>"YOU KNOW WHAT... well, you're kind of right... but that's besides the point!"</p>
</blockquote><p>they laughed as they made their way out of the cabin, waving and saying their hellos to everyone else.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, gimme just a minute," said fuyuhiko, rubbing kazuichi's arm before he headed over to the pool chairs closest to the hotel lobby.</p>
</blockquote><p>peko was reclining in one of the chairs, her glasses resting on the end of her nose.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, fuyuhiko."</p>
  <p>"hey."</p>
</blockquote><p>there was a pregnant pause.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"look, i just wanted to say... i'm really proud of you. for exploring your identity and for finding someone who really cares about you."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko looked over to the pool, where ibuki was joyfully splashing around with sonia.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"thank you, fuyuhiko. i just wanted you to know how i felt. in truth, i'm also happy you have someone to care for, and who cares for you."</p>
</blockquote><p>he could tell she meant it.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"um.. would it be weird to ask for a hug?"</p>
</blockquote><p>peko smiled, standing up and pulling fuyuhiko into a tight embrace.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hugs are never out of the question... young master."</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>it felt good to just be with peko again.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"now, go attend to kazuichi," she said, pulling away. "they seem at a loss without you."</p>
</blockquote><p>she was right. kazuichi was sitting with his feet in the pool, swinging his legs, and looking bored.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"right. thank you, peko. for everything."</p>
</blockquote><p>peko gave him an affirmative nod.</p><p>he headed over to where kazuichi was sitting.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"why the long face?"</p>
  <p>"pfft, i have no idea what you mean," said kazuichi, turning up their nose in mock obliviousness.</p>
  <p>"c'mon, bitchboy, let's swim."</p>
  <p>"b-bitchboy?" kazuichi spluttered.</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko hopped in the pool, wincing at the cold.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"oh, what, you scared?" he taunted kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"i'll show you scared," kazuichi replied deviously.</p>
  <p>"what's that supposed to--"</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko was bodyslammed with a wall of water. choking, he bobbed to the surface. kazuichi was drenched, giggling uncontrollably.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"nice one!" shouted nagito, who was sitting with hajime and chiaki. </p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko flipped him off before tackling kazuichi into the water. </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" said kazuichi, nose scrunched.</p>
  <p>"FOR NEARLY DROWNING ME!"</p>
  <p>"I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME BITCHBOY."</p>
  <p>"well, i wasn't wrong, was i?"</p>
</blockquote><p>kazuichi opened his mouth to retort, then closed it.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"yea, whatever, you're right..."</p>
</blockquote><p>fuyuhiko swam over to kazuichi's side and gave him a hug.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"y'know, i like you a lot, kazuichi."</p>
  <p>"oh, that's good to hear, i was worried you were holding a grudge against me or something."</p>
  <p>"sure, sure..."</p>
  <p>"<em>fiiiiine</em>, i like you too, fuyuhiko. on second thought, i love you, actually."</p>
  <p>"what a turn of events," joked fuyuhiko, linking their hands together.</p>
</blockquote><p>and... it kind of was. </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey, you two!" came nekomaru's voice.</p>
  <p>"oh, hey," said fuyuhiko, waving with their twined hand.</p>
  <p>"glad to see you out and about," boomed nekomaru.</p>
  <p>"yea, thanks for setting this up, anyway," grinned kazuichi.</p>
  <p>"it was akane's idea," said nekomaru, watching intently as she dove into the pool.</p>
  <p>"she's a good egg," fuyuhiko mused.</p>
  <p>"the best," kazuichi agreed.</p>
</blockquote><p>akane's head popped up nearby.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"hey!" she said, bobbing closer. "everyone enjoying the festivities?"</p>
  <p>"yea!" kazuichi said. "this is really cool of you."</p>
  <p>"ahh, it's no big deal," she muttered.</p>
  <p>"hey, it was a great idea!" said nekomaru.</p>
  <p>"psh, i mean, anyone could've thought of it."</p>
  <p>"but <em>you</em> thought of it. that's what's important," said nekomaru, bumping akane's shoulder.</p>
</blockquote><p>she blushed.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"okay, cut it out with the sappy stuff, i challenge you to a cannonball contest!"</p>
  <p>"you're on!" nekomaru agreed.</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>it really was amazing how far they'd all come. what they'd endured was... beyond words, really. it was a feeling of joy unlike anything he'd felt before.</p><p>well...</p><p>he looked over at kazuichi. on second thought, maybe there was one thing that could rival it. </p><p>and in that moment, fuyuhiko knew natsumi would be proud of him. that she <em>was</em> proud of him. he knew that, felt it in his heart. he felt... loved. it was strange, but it was a welcome sensation. </p><p>he didn't want it to ever go away.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HEYYYY here's the ending!! it's probably really cheesy but these kids deserve a happy ending, and if i had to be the one to give it to them, so be it! hope yall enjoyed :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey so the previous chapter was the official ending, and enclosed is the finished poem kazuichi and fuyuhiko wrote together &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">wounded, valiant</p><p class="p1">a most foolish tongue, unbound</p><p class="p1">the keenest of minds</p><p class="p1">a body as the keeper</p><p class="p1">of the most beloved one</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">solitary, cold</p><p class="p1">such is the role that is played</p><p class="p1">yet illusory</p><p class="p1">it conceals that which is tender</p><p class="p1">and therefore easily bled</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">killer, parasite</p><p class="p1">condemned for that curse, most vile</p><p class="p1">worthy of lashings</p><p class="p1">worthy of most choking rage</p><p class="p1">clad in undeserving care</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">murderer, guilty</p><p class="p1">punisher of the wicked</p><p class="p1">and of those not so</p><p class="p1">worthy of a guilty charge</p><p class="p1">counter of blessings, sinful</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">most gentle being</p><p class="p1">guilty, not unforgiven</p><p class="p1">most just punisher</p><p class="p1">let those trembling hands be still</p><p class="p1">let that frantic heart be quelled</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">beautiful pneuma</p><p class="p1">killer indeed, not condemned</p><p class="p1">needn’t there be pain</p><p class="p1">there has surely been enough</p><p class="p1">let quietness remain</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">drawer of short straws</p><p class="p1">a beaten child dreaming still</p><p class="p1">impossible, yet…</p><p class="p1">alive, living, despite odds</p><p class="p1">beyond belief, transforming</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">awash in shadow</p><p class="p1">one too great to overcome</p><p class="p1">born from blood people</p><p class="p1">yet unwilling to shed it</p><p class="p1">ever seeking forgiveness</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2">o pure-hearted one</p><p class="p2">you brought me to completion</p><p class="p2">you have aided me</p><p class="p2">you have been my guardian</p><p class="p2">how undeserving i am</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">o star-eyed darling</p><p class="p2">you have brought me to myself</p><p class="p2">you are accepting</p><p class="p2">you have become my tenth muse</p><p class="p2">you and i are deserving</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">how you’ve changed me so</p><p class="p2">the foul-mouthed and hot-tempered</p><p class="p2">has softened, somewhat</p><p class="p2">you’ve done what others could not</p><p class="p2">you have made me your darling</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">how i have been changed</p><p class="p2">the yellow-bellied coward</p><p class="p2">has swallowed their pride</p><p class="p2">you’ve done what others could not</p><p class="p2">you have made me your shadow</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">i swear this to you</p><p class="p2">i will not forget the past</p><p class="p2">nor forgo new life</p><p class="p2">i will live and not lament</p><p class="p2">for you i will be joyous</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2">to you i promise this</p><p class="p2">i will not give in to shame</p><p class="p2">or that cruel despair</p><p class="p2">i will live and not regret</p><p class="p2">for you, i’ll think of myself</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">i have no more words</p><p class="p2">your kindness has taken them</p><p class="p2">yet i will say still</p><p class="p2">i’ve not loved like i love you</p><p class="p2">this love has stolen my words</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">i still have some words</p><p class="p2">you have given them to me</p><p class="p2">and i must tell you</p><p class="p2">i hold you dearest in life</p><p class="p2">and i’ll never let you go.</p><p class="p1"> </p>
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